When You Stop Shrinking, Everything Changes (For the Better)
This week at Creative Boom, we asked the creative industry to share their experiences of bullying – and the response floored me. So many stories came through. Some were shocking. Others were heartbreakingly raw.
What struck me most were the honest self-reflections. People admitting they’d joined in with toxic behaviour, often just to survive. Or that they’d stood by in silence, unsure how to help. It reminded me that bullying isn’t always clear-cut, and that it’s often the culture that quietly shapes how we behave, whether we realise it or not. It also made me reflect on my own story.
In the early days of my career, I was bullied by a group of women. It was brutal. The employer handled it terribly, and I was made to feel like I was the problem. That I needed to try harder. Fit in. Be different. Smile more. And for a while, I tried.
But I’ve not always been perfect either. I was in my twenties, trying to navigate a competitive industry. I did what many do: I tried to form my own little circle. Safety in numbers, I suppose. But it backfired. Horribly. I was left out in the cold – like those Norwegians in The Beach, slowly dying on the sand while everyone else just looked away.
What I’ve learned since then is this: the real test of character isn’t how people behave when you’re doing well. It’s how they treat you when you’re struggling.
Last year, I suffered a serious back injury. I was in pain, vulnerable, and slower than usual, physically and emotionally. And it revealed a lot. Some people quietly disappeared. Others made it clear, in subtle ways, that I wasn’t much use to them anymore. That I didn’t fit their image of how I “should” be. And that, perhaps, my value to them had always been transactional.
But the kind ones stood out too. The friends who didn’t expect anything, who just showed up. No questions. No conditions. Just care.
That experience, like the stories we’ve heard this week, made me realise something even more deeply… You shouldn’t have to change yourself to please other people. Not to fit in. Not to meet expectations. Not to be liked.
Good people – the ones you want in your life – are happy and confident in who they are. They don’t need you to tone it down to feel safe. They don’t need you to shrink to make them feel bigger. They let you be you… no performance, no pressure.
Looking back, I realise I’ve wasted so much of my life trying to make myself more palatable to more people. Trying to be liked. To not offend. To not seem “too much”. And yes, being kind and considerate is important – always. But if you’re dimming your light just to avoid being a threat, especially to other women, then something’s gone very wrong.
That kind of shrinking doesn’t help anyone. Least of all you.
Because showing up as yourself – kind, honest, a little messy, but real – should be enough.
If it’s not? Then maybe it’s not you that needs to change.
The creative industry can be full of brilliance, inspiration and generosity. But it also has its darker corners. And if we want to build something better – for ourselves and for the next generation – we have to stop pretending everything’s fine, and start telling the truth.
Even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially then.